Squirt

I have a medical problem. I'm man enough to admit it. It's sort of embarassing, though... especially in certain circumstances... but here it is. Plain and simple.

I squirt.

Well, my mouth squirts. Like sometimes I'll open up to say something and, without warning, streams will just jet out. Actually, it kind of looks like Spiderman's webs (except that it's slobbergoo flowing from my under-tongue).

eeEEeeeEeeEEwww, you say?

eeEEeeeEeeEEww indeed.

I first discovered this mutant ability at the dentist's office six years ago. He said "open up" and it simply came spritzing out. It was funny; we laughed. But it didn't stop. His assistants kept trying to go in with their Dr. Seuss instruments, but my mouth wouldn't let them. It just kept squirting and squirting and squirting! And let me tell you, it is NOT hilarious to have the fifty-five year old hygenist tell you "you're quite the squirter". Yeesh.

I didn't think about it for a long time afterwards (I mean, how often do 'drool jets' come up in everyday convo?), that is, until I saw the first X-MEN movie. This quote got me thinking:

JEAN GREY: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now seeing the beginnings of another stage of human evolution. These mutations manifest at puberty, and are often triggered by periods of heightened emotional stress.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

I'm convinced!

But seriously, whether I had slobbergoo [starting to like that word] powers, or was just some weird kid, I didn't want anyone knowing. So I suppressed that talent.

Cut to last week: I was in my prof's office. We were going over an assignment when, from out of nowhere, I opened my mouth and squirted all over the papers.

The prof cocked an eyebrow. She straightened up, leaned forward, and whispered telepathically, "You have a gift!"

OK OK OK, so that last bit's a lie. But I did squirt her papers then try to wipe it up while she watched apathetically. Oh if only you could see that squinty look she gave me... pursed lips, raised eyebrows, semi-frown... it made me angry -- SO angry that I whipped open my mouth again and shot her right in the eyeball.

...ok so that's a lie too. But boy I wished I could.

Apparently this whole mouth squirting thing isn't that uncommon. It's called 'gleek'. But who knows, maybe I just gleek more than most people. Besides, if that's the weirdest thing I've got going on, I'll take it!
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So that's my story (2 blog posts in March -- I hit my target!). One more thing before I go, though. A warning, if you will:

If we ever meet in real life, please don't ask me to "squirt my slobbergoo". It's just awkward.

Post Patty's Day

Here's the thing... I haven't blogged for almost a month. I apologize, but please understand that I've been more busy than God was in the first week of creation (plus I don't even get my own sabbath). So deal with it.

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Here's a St. Patrick's Day poem I wrote yesterday. Usually I don't post material online, but I think this one has an important message that everyone should hear. Enjoy!

The Shamrock Resignation

On Saint P’s Day of March ’09,
All leprechauns worldwide resigned.
To sum it up, they’d had enough --
The year was bad and times were rough.

Stocks in gold hit bottom lows,
Then left and right their banks foreclosed.
On every channel news was bleak,
And spirits waned with every week.

So boarding up their woodland homes,
They waved goodbye to elves and gnomes;
They traded in their shoes for boots,
Their hats for caps and coats for suits.

Nevermore would any slide
Down rainbow ribbons in the sky,
Nor play their flutes or jig through mobs,
For all now needed steady jobs.

So off to interviews they went
(With no skills or experience)
And, big surprise, they failed at those,
Losing out to Average Joes.

For months and months things just got worse,
Like some 1930’s curse,
“But wait!” cried out the Irish midgets,
“That’s it! Let’s build up army widgets!

We’ll start a war, it fuels new jobs
To help out all the unskilled slobs.
Humans fight through history --
Let's fight off our misery!"

So down to work the small men went,
Sweating to the full extent.
They built an army, strong hate brewin’,
Then waged a war... upon the humans!

The humans laughed, was this a joke?
These tiny things who once were broke
Now thought they’d stand up face to face
To battle out the human race?

But war was war – begun at noon
And, sad enough, was done by two.
The leprechauns, all now destroyed,
Were taken down like action toys.

It's hard to see the times ahead --
Some succeed, some wind up dead.
It's sad, I know, but learn the lesson:
Don’t start wars to fight recessions.