Waaaay back in term one, I was fortunate enough to be in the same room as two of the planet's biggest celebrities: George Bush and Gene Simmons. This blog is about what would have happened had they got in a fight. Enjoy.
GOD OF THUNDER VS. PRESIDENT OF THE USA
TCU Event Center is swarming with onlookers. Protest signs, plastic masks, and tacky silver costumes flood the streets to form a giant ring. The middle of this street circle is empty, when all of a sudden --
Rock 'N' Roll erupts from out of no where! The crowds turn to see a long piano-black limo torpedoing down 22nd. It slams to a stop...
And Gene Simmons steps out. No costume, no make-up. Just a leather coat and those "I don't give a shit" sunglasses. He looks around and steps into the center of the giant ring made by the thundering fans.
Gene opens his mouth to say something, when suddenly
REAL THUNDER! Clouds swirl in the sky, lightning thrashes like long Texan bull whips. Two dozen helicopters plummet through a black nimbus and land firmly on the pavement, gusts sweeping people away like flimsy Democrat ballots. Men in black suits repel down the side of TCU; armed trucks close off the street exits.
Gene watches, stone-faced. Un-phased.
A helicopter door swings open -- George Bush steps out, a clueless smirk stretched across his face.
Gene removes his sunglasses and George wipes the dumbfounded look off of his face. No disguises; this is all about honour.
Let the battle begin.
Gene snaps his jaw open and the legendary tongue shoots out like an Amazonian Anaconda. It coils around the ex-President with pure muscle. George Bush wiggles and sweats, but the thirty foot tongue squeezes harder... tighter...
POP! The crowd's heads shoot up, watching Bush soar out of the tongue's grasp and land perfectly on his two feet. He's dripping with Politician Grease, having secreted enough to help him slip out.
Simmons doesn't waste a second. The flailing tongue flies back to the limousine and retrieves an electric guitar. He strikes a G chord (although a little flat) and is suddenly transformed into the cape-wearing, black-and-white face paint demon everyone knows.
"TERRORIST!" shouts Bush. The entire secret service floods the ring with AK-47s and Sig semiautomatics, two dozen laser beams trained on Simmons' chest. The Feds close in, a smirk returning to Bush's face, when suddenly a velvety voice cries:
"Hey boys! Yoo-hoo!"
The secret service agents look over and see Shannon Tweed stepping out of Gene's limo. She's certainly not as attractive as she was twenty years ago, but those breasts are enough to make every Republican guard drop their gun just to stare at God's two best creations.
Unfortunately, Gene can't stop staring either.
"Quick honey! Get Dubya!" screams Shannon. Gene tries taking his eyes away... but no matter how hard he struggles, he can't. Bush walks up (after years with Laura, sex and breasts have lost all power over him) and he pulls out his cell phone to dial a number labelled 'Lawyers', mumbling "Let's see what's legal..."
All of a sudden George spots Gene's electric guitar. He throws the cell phone away and picks up the instrument, hands testing the strings like a kid with a cool new toy. He takes a deep breath --
Gene yells "NO!"
-- And Bush strikes a B Chord!
A bright white light blinds the entire city and, in a transformation as quick as Gene's, George Bush instantly morphs into the much more cool, much more slick, much more rockstarish...
Barack Obama.
The whole crowd looks at Obama and gasps, his sexiness easily outshining Shannon Tweed's. The protesters lower their signs, the republicans scatter.
Obama extends his hand and helps Gene to his feet. For once, Gene's tongue is tied.
Barack turns to the crowd, about to declare "Change!", when suddenly a dart zooms through the air and punctures his jugular vein. Obama screams, morphing back into a shocked and confused George Bush. Gene looks up to see Dick Cheney flying towards them in a helicopter, his hands clenching a still-smoking RepubliGUN. The chopper swoops and Sarah Palin erupts from the passenger side, just low enough to lean out, grab George Bush, and pull the president back in the cabin.
Gene dons his sunglasses again, watching the helicopter rocket North towards Alaska with the three cowards safe inside.
This isn't over yet.
Gene Simmons - 1. George Bush - 0.
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