Past Blast Part 1

I sincerely apologize for this blog becoming a bad one night stand lately. I think it happens with all blogs -- the writer riles you up at the start, you both have a little fun, maybe a LOT of fun, and then suddenly the bastard jets off without warning. Yep, the SOB just jumps out the window right when you're getting used to them, damnit.

Well, good news: Susan Blip's too fat to fit through the window. This blog is here to stay, no matter how inconsistant or flakey or rude it comes off as. I'm not ready for big blog commitments, but just because we souldn't get attached doesn't mean we still can't have fun ;)

So let's cut this foreplay and get to the good stuff!

This is part one of a two-parter blog entry entitled "Past Blast". I'm going back in time to rediscover a particular fad from the 90s. A fad, you ask? Which one?

Pogs? Nope.

Hammerpants? Try again.

The Running Man? The Macarena? Carleton's dance from Fresh Prince? Pff, yeah right.

Still can't guess? Well buckle your blog-belts because... drum roll... shitty anime shows are making their comeback!

Let's kickstart this time-travel with two simple words:

Sailor. Moon.

Hands up -- who loved Sailor Moon? Come on guys, don't be ashamed. I admit my love 100%! Honestly, she was global porn for preteen boys. Popular but humble, strong but girly. And what a kickass theme song!

Fighting evil by moonlight,
Winning love by daylight,
Never running from a real fight,
She is the one named Sailor Moon.

But that was then, this is now. Through a startling revelation, I've come to realize that Sailor Moon was merely a horrible trap for children. Let me elaborate.

Girls, take a look at Miss Moon. Is she a good role model? Far from it! Oftentimes she can't even beat the enemy without relying on other people. And don't get me started on that transformation sequence. Listen carefully, Sailor Moon: closing your eyes and twirling around in colorful patterns only to wake-up in different clothes does not mean you're a superhero, alright? It means you've been roofied. Like three times per episode.

And boys? Don't fall for this TV trash. A relationship with Sailor Moon will not work. She's fighting evil by moonlight and winning love by daylight; between the two she can't even find time to book a much needed haircut -- what makes you think she'll have time for you? And don't give me that "hot skirt" excuse. "But, but, b-but..." you protest? But nothing. Do you really want a relationship with some skank in spandex whose pants are less than two inches long? Trust me, everyone is sneeking peeks at Sailor Poon. You can do better.

Stay tuned for more 'Past Blast' tomorrow! I would keep writing, but I have a final in less than two hours. Plus I'm still in pajamas.

...But wait! If I try spinning around with my eyes shut maybe I'll magically change clothes like Sailor Moon!

[insert long pause while Devon tries twirling in feminine patterns]

...

Nope. Definitely need crack for that.