Past Blast Part 2

OK bloggies, I'm back for round 2. Be sure to read the blog before this one to know what's going on (basically I've gone back to the 90s with hopes of debunking once awesome anime shows). Yesterday I had my way with Sailor Moon, and now it's time to move on to a whole other league. That's right. You haven't heard nothin' yet.

Now, admittedly, I could go off on every shitty cartoon concept ever created in the last decade -- Samurai Pizza Cats, Shark Attacks, Captain Planet -- but honestly, it's not worth my time. Why? Because, well, no one cares about most of them. [And notice that I didn't bring up Care Bears. Any kid who watched Care Bears has been made fun of enough. Just leave them alone.]

Think bigger -- I'm talking HISTORICAL. Listen closely. Twice every hundred years the Japanese unleash something that threatens North American homeland security. The first major attack of the 20th century happened on December 7th, 1941.

It was Pearl Harbor.

The second attack aired September 8th, 1998. It was much more subtle. It was much more evil. It was much more deadly.

It was Pokemon.

DO NOT LAUGH! Pokemon has destroyed many more souls than atomic bombs or nuclear warfare ever will. Don't believe me? Let me show you the truth.

Everyone was bloody obssessed with the show when it came out. Fair enough -- it boasted cool fights for boys and cutesy creatures for girls. Unlike Trailerpark Moon, the characters had dignity and the plot-line was decent...

Pokemon, however, was a virus. All of a sudden there were gameboy games. And action figures. And books, and movies, and stuffed animals. But you know what, none of that really mattered because of one key component: trading cards.

They BRAINWASHED us. "Gotta catch 'em all," the voices whispered. "Buy more packs, steal the shineys-- do whatever it goddamn takes!"

Gulp. And did we ever.

I lost my Pokevirginity to a cute girl at church. One Sunday School morning she slipped an Abra in my palm like it was some sacred holy communion wafer -- and in God The Father's holy household, of all places! Can anyone say 'False Idol'? But I didn't care; hell, it was free! A gift! Satan's own starterpack.

But that was just the beginning. This stuff was meth on school playgrounds. I can still see the shady transactions underneath the steel slides. Twitchy kids, scratching at imaginary itches while they pawn their Pikachus and get high off holographic pokeporn. There were dealers and burnouts, beggars and bitches. Status was defined by HP, and "he's huge" referred to deck size.

Truly terrifying times.

Looking back on the 90s, I can honestly say that I'm surprised any kid could survive through that TV-show-shit. It was madness, and for what? Our card collections are worthless today. Of course, maybe they'll hold high values waaaaay down the road, but I am not gonna sit around scratching my pokeballs waiting for that to happen.