Frustrating Fantasy

Last night I fell asleep to Britney Spears' If U Seek Amy. You think that's ridiculous? Sure, but I dare you to try it. Why? Because -- I kid you not -- Britney entered my dreams.

It took place in a strange Las Vegas-ish resort. Top floor, executive suite. There was a GIANT red mattress (equal in size to five kings pushed together), and a jacuzzi that smelled like cotton-candy bubblegum...

The next thing I remember is Britney coming out of a door, completely decked out in her Circus costume.

"Our hue red he fourth hiss?" she whispered.

ummm...wtf?

She didn't say anything else. She simply hopped on the mattress and started giving me the most spine-tingling, toe-twirling massage you can ever imagine. That's right. I was rubbed up, down and all around by Britney Spears. And it was good.

"House sit feal ink?" she suddenly whispered again.

I twitched. "House sit feal ink?" hmm...house-sit-feal-ink...house-it-feel-ink..house-it-feeling...

How's it feeling!?

Good god, I suddenly understood. She was speaking in Mad Gabs.

"If eel soup her," I responded without thinking.

GASP! And I was too!!

"Real hacks," she said as I sprung for the exit, "Isle prom hiss two day gets low." She wrapped her arms around my pounding chest once more, getting closer, and murmured softer, "Butt eye him sofa king oar knee."

...

Now hold on a bloody second. Normally I'd say that if Britney Spears appeared in my dream, I wouldn't hold one muscle back. But these dirty mad gabs of hers were driving me up the freaking wall. So I turned to her, focusing all my mindpower on speaking normally, and said, "Listen, Britney. I know it's hard but please, for the love of God, stop talking like that. No one thinks it's sexy, alright? Just...try better."

She looked up, disappointed, and replied "Sore he, deaf in."

My eyes snapped open, staring back up at my ordinary condo ceiling. The monster size bed, the bubblegum jacuzzi, and Britney Spears had all vanished.

Looking back on it, I think I did the right thing. Someone seriously has to sit Britney down and tell her that her lyrics border severely retarded. As for myself, I'm hoping that she'll revisit my subconscious sometime soon. Between me and you, Gimme More is going on repeat tonight.