All the single ladies

Put your hands down.

No really, you look stupid. Put your goddamn hands down because NEWSFLASH: Beyonce doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

*deep breaths*

Alright, alright. Sorry about that. But honestly, I don't know if I can take this anymore. Telling all the single ladies to put their hands up is not helping all the single men. Trust me.

Why?

Because it's a lame nightclub survey with no substance. I'm not just looking for some "single lady", alright? I happen to have dignity. In fact, I might appreciate it if instead the DJ shouted "All the single ladies liking action movies, badminton, and the occasional burger at Fuddruckers put your hands up".

That's something I could work with.

Or even "all the single ladies without syphilis, herpes or warts" would be helpful.

And this goes for your end too, girls, alright? Don't throw your hand up every time you hear 'single ladies' in life, or you'll find yourself in bad bad situations. Be picky, ok? You deserve it! Plus, have you ever considered there's someone out there who's meant for you? I'm not talking soulmate stuff, just wondering how many cool, creative guys who are too nice or too smart to chase around wild, arm-waving girls are left going home alone most nights.

After all, I don't think this is how humans did it through history.

I mean, can you imagine some Renaissance pub with Shakespeare shouting "All thy single ladies, raise thou hands up"? Or how about waaay back in the garden -- how'd Adam ask Eve out? "Umm you, single lady, put your hand up"?! Now that's just rude.

Moral 1 of my sermon: don't trust Beyonce -- apparently she wants to be a boy and have all the single ladies to herself (poor Jay-Z)

Moral 2: take a risk with someone. Sacrifice a night of raving at your favorite nightclub for a cool date with someone new. And if it doesn't work out, so what? At least you'll have had a good supper, or watched a good movie, or at the very least experienced for a split second that nervous, electric feeling in your stomach that happens on dates.

That feeling's a spark, and you can't start a fire without it.

...ok, so that was kinda cheesy. Boo-hoo. Point being, single ladies are going extinct for all the wrong reasons and all the wrong people. Please, have the time of your life -- just try holding hands instead of waving your arms.