Fairy Tale Ending

For those of you who don't know, I'm back. Voila, ta-da -- poof! Returned in one piece. Yup, survived the Toronto airport again (stroke off goal #5), which no doubt you were restlessly worrying about, so thanks. Much appreciated.

My last few days in Orlando were wonderful. Thursday was our shopping day, and let's just say my debit card was used and abused more than most prostitutes. Friday was Islands of Adventure where, excitingly enough, these were posted everywhere imaginable:

Alas, the Harry Potter themepark doesn't open for another whole year. *Bittersweet sigh*

I also went to a dinnershow called 'Arabian Nights' that revolved around stallions, unicorns and genies. These people were nuts -- they'd do flips off galloping steeds, race around in chariots at 60mph, and execute complex choreography on the backs of the animals. The best way I can describe it is 'So You Think You Can Dance' with horses :S

By the time Saturday rolled around, I didn't want to say farewell to Florida. Sometimes you're ready for trips to end and sometimes you're not, you know? This was one of those latter times.

But, as we all know, good things must come to an end. I was actually thinking about that on the way up my last rollercoaster ride on Friday. I remember climbing The Hulk higher and higher and higher, looking around and seeing the whole themepark stretched out below. The spectacular Simpson ride off to the right; Disney somewhere in the distance; and seagulls divebombing innocent onlookers throughout the streets. The view pretty much summed up my whole trip, and what a gorgeous view it was...oh, until four women in the row ahead of us stuck up their arms just as our cart sailed over the peak.

Goal #4? Check.

Goal #1

Today was Magic Kingdom day -- the one and only day I had to hunt down some Cinderella lovin'!

We arrived at the park bright and early (knew it was going to be busy), and hit all the big rides right away. This park is our specialty. Space & Splash Mountians, Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, etc. -- all done by noon. See, my family has Disney down to a science. We know exactly when and where to go at which times, and how to get there by any array of super secret twists and turns. This is hardcore Disneying, people. If you can't keep up, get the hell out of our way because we have trampled children in the process. Plain and simple: survival of the fittest.

Anyways, I swear I tried and tried all day to find that sweet Cinderella. I watched two castle performances and scanned Fantasy Land, but alas -- no princess to be found. Sure I saw other princesses, but none of them would do. Snow White? No way, that slut has seven dwarf orgies. Ariel? No thanks (she probably tastes fishy). Jasmine? Anorexic. Pocahontas? Not technically a princess. Nala? Not into beastiality.

Gah. Then, at the end of the day, I was walking along Mainstreet and found this:

Notice my pouting phantom face lurking behind Cinderella on the left.

There she was, in robot form, dancing with that prissy Prince Charming. I was enraged. Why did all the other princesses show up to greet their fans? Was she too good for us? Too egotistical?

I marched back up to the castle, enraged, and went straight for her lousy fountain.

Me giving Cunterella statue a big, fat finger.

So, disappointly, I did not accomplish goal #1. I apologize. I did my best.

I do feel slightly sorry for Cinderella, though. I know Prince Charming is cheating on her -- all the other princesses have rooms in his castle too. After all, girls, can you imagine some suave guy asking you back to his place, then taking you home to this:

Every girl's dream

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Seriously. Who wouldn't say yes?

Gobsmacked

Today was one helluva day. Wow. I think I may have even lost a little faith in humanity because of something I witnessed; I'm confused, flabbergasted, and shocked to the core.

Let me explain in detail.

Today was another day at Disney, this time at their Hollywood Studios park. This place is Wicked with a capital 'W'. Tower of Terror, Rockin' Rollercoaster, the American Idol experience -- it's got some pretty sweet stuff. To our delight, a new Toy Story attraction just opened up and, in a time slump, we thought we'd check it out. Due to our intricate plan of carefully calculated Fastpasses (those of you who have been to Disney know what I'm talking about), we were all out of 'quick line' tickets and had to use the normal lineup.

There was an estimated wait time of 80 min. Not good, not horrible either. So we followed a family of four inside.

Now this Toy Story ride is a maze of unorganized bullshit, let me tell you. You squish inside these tiny lineups, stand around without moving a step for ten minutes, and when you do move, you're zigging and zagging in the stupidest ways while never even catching a glimpse of the loading point. I was getting impatient, nevermind the nine dozen ADHD brats bouncing off the walls. Argh. Just another line at Disney.

...or was it?

One of the kids in the family ahead of us was getting antsy only twenty minutes into the building. This boy loved attention. He wailed and laughed and leaped up and down all over dad, teasing his sister and tormenting the other kids in line with irritating faces -- just a grade A jackass.

Then he gets more riled up. Apparently, from the way he was crossing his legs, he had to go pee. Perfect. Mom and dad were at the end of their wits with him, ready to throw in the towel and go home... but they'd already waited a half hour in line and there was no end in sight.

I knew what was coming next. Dad would take the boy, push past all the people in line to get to a bathroom, then shove himself back by budding rudely in front of everyone again. Turns out, though, dad didn't like that idea.

Instead, the two parents exchanged a few whispers while their son's screams crescendoed. Mom's last words were "sometimes it's just what parents gotta do".

Gotta do what? I sighed and backed up against the rail, ready to let them inch behind me for the door.

But dad didn't move back; he kneeled down. He kneeled down and took out an empty water bottle, pulled down the kid's fly and popped the bottle on like some tank to a hose.

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GOBSMACKED

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I flung myself against the wall, trying not to laugh or scream, or scream with laughter.

That's not even all. When the boy was done (and quite satisfied, mind you) dad carried the used bottle around until we passed the next garbage can 10 minutes later. JUST CARRIED IT LIKE IT WAS APPLE JUICE! No parent should ever "gotta do that"!

Please, everyone pray tonight. Christian or not, I don't care; throw your hands up and say "please, God, help humanity -- help the next genereation because this one's messed up".

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* * *

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In happier, piss-free news, I scored another goal!!

After sending my family on an all-out witch hunt in Planet Hollywood, we tracked down exactly what I was looking for! Check out these:

I found her on the third floor staircase -- quite the beauty.

And after searching and searching and searching, then almost giving up, my mom erupted with excitement upon discovering...

Winifred's Spellbook!!! You cannot conceive how much I love this movie. Well...maybe James can.

Anyway, good night everyone. Farewell, February 17th, you weird day filled with karma, you. After all, was seeing a bratty ten year old pee in a bottle worth finding a spellbook bound in human skin?

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Hmm...

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Yup. Absolutely.

Rooty-Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity

First of all, congratulations IHOP. The 'Rooty-Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity' is without a doubt -- and I mean this in the least offensive way possible -- the gayest dish I've ever ordered. IHOP is pretty much your Average Joe breakfast joint... until, that is, you order the Rooty-Tooty and some six-stacker flapjack meal comes bouncing out of the kitchen by way of a well groomed, blue-eyed boy named Jayjay.

Yikes.

Needless to say, I set some boundaries with this Jayjay fellow (had to draw a line when he reached for the fork that fell in my lap), but actually enjoyed the meal. Enough said.

* * *

Yesterday was Universal Studios, today was Epcot (the huge golf ball in Disney World). Both were pretty sweet, I must say.

Highlights include:
- Simpsons Ride @ Universal. Maybe the best ride in the whole park -- it's a virtual simulation that takes place on a Krusty the Clown rollercoaster car. Most awesome part is when a giant radioactive Maggie Simpson takes the cart, sucks it like a soother, then spits you out again (slobber and all).
- Rose and Crown's English Pub
- Immaculate weather. The pool, the parks. It's perfect.

Lowlights (listen up, Florida):
- Long lineups. Of course, today was President's Day so an approx 2 hour wait for Soarin' in Epcot was expected.
- Timeshare Sharks. Because we're at a resort, there are always smooth talking salesmen lurking around with their slicked back hair, crooked teeth, and gold chains aplenty. Beware the Timeshare Sharks. And finally...
- Seagulls. Apparently they've taken over. You think I'm exaggerating/overreating, but I'm not! Ask anyone visiting Florida -- these birds are down right obnoxious in places. The pests have zero manners, flapping around in people's hair, squealing on the offbeats of every classic Disney song, and divebombing anyone whenever they feel like it. I even think the employees are scared of them. I saw one waiter drop a piece of toast and pause to look around before picking it up and darting through the kitchen doors. The poor guy peeked back through the window, up at a lamp post where a seagull was resting, and I SWEAR the bird shot him one of those "I'm watching you" movements with its right wingtip. Believe it or not.

On a brighter note, let's back up a bit. Yesterday I accomplished one of my goals!!!!! Which one, you ask? Wellllll...

#3: Try something I've never ever ever ever ever tried. And what did I do, exactly?

I ate crocodile tails.


[silence... *crickets*... silence]


Come on people, CROCODILE TAILS! Are you not impressed?? Well, it was new to me. Not too bad, either -- sorta tasteless, though. Oh well. Ripping apart crocodile tails with my bare teeth and downing it with dad's beer may juuust have been manly enough to offset any homosexual side-effects of the Rooty Tooty.

4 more goals to go!

Send some good luck (Cinderella will be mine!), and be sure to keep checking in. If I don't update again in three days, there's a good chance the gulls got me.

Red Eyes, Night Skies

For those of you who don't know, I left. Gone. Disappeared. Vanished -- poof! Yup, flew far away. No doubt you miss me already, and you should, so thanks. Much appreciated.

Time: 3:51am. I'm off to Orlando, sitting in the Toronto airport on a seven hour lay-over. I don't mind, really. My brother and mom collapsed hours ago on the cafeteria chairs, my dad's blasting Whitney Houston waaaaay too loud in his earbuds, and I'm playing a certain videogame involving Melee Island (10 blog points to whoever can name it!). As indicated in the blog title, my family decided to only fly ridiculously late at night this year. Haven't you heard? Daytime is soooo trite. Darkness is exclusive, refined, private -- night's the new day, people.

I'll keep you bloggies* updated as my trip progresses. I guarantee there will be thrilling, terrifying, heart-wrenching/tear-jerking moments, so stay wired.

In fact, to ensure such entertainment, I've decided to set some goals for this holiday. They include:

1. Get a kiss from Cinderella. Ultimately I'd love to marry her for US citizenship, but I think I'll take whatever I can get. Plus, Prince Charming might beat the crap out of me.
2. Snap a pic with Winifred's spellbook from the movie Hocus Pocus. I know they keep it in Planet Hollywood, so I MUST hunt it down.
3. Try something I've never ever ever ever ever tried (open to anything)
4. Yell at a rollercoaster full of arm-waving women: "all you single ladies, put your goddamn hands down!" [see blog post #3]
5. Make it out of Toronto alive. Seriously, their janitors have knives.

Wish me luck!! I'm pretty used to navigating Disney World, so I think I'll be able to stalk Cinderella, find a spellbook, and outrun Prince Charming with little to no trouble. 'Til next time, have fun freezing while I'm toasting to a nice, light brown by the tropical rays!


*Bloggies = collective term used to refer to all the smart, attractive people who follow this blog

The Bathroom Peeper

Have you ever been in so much of rush to shower that after you're done you throw back the curtain and the rod comes crashing down? Then, trying not to lose your balance as you teeter, naked, with some stupid steel pole, you look up and see someone WATCHING you?? Like some bathroom peeper?!?! And so you try covering yourself up with the gross shower curtain before realizing it's just your reflection in the mirror staring back, practically saying "what the fuck, dude?"



yaaaa...

wait -- what was that? you think that happened to me??
psshh whatever. no way. nuh-uh. forget it.