Goal #1

Today was Magic Kingdom day -- the one and only day I had to hunt down some Cinderella lovin'!

We arrived at the park bright and early (knew it was going to be busy), and hit all the big rides right away. This park is our specialty. Space & Splash Mountians, Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, etc. -- all done by noon. See, my family has Disney down to a science. We know exactly when and where to go at which times, and how to get there by any array of super secret twists and turns. This is hardcore Disneying, people. If you can't keep up, get the hell out of our way because we have trampled children in the process. Plain and simple: survival of the fittest.

Anyways, I swear I tried and tried all day to find that sweet Cinderella. I watched two castle performances and scanned Fantasy Land, but alas -- no princess to be found. Sure I saw other princesses, but none of them would do. Snow White? No way, that slut has seven dwarf orgies. Ariel? No thanks (she probably tastes fishy). Jasmine? Anorexic. Pocahontas? Not technically a princess. Nala? Not into beastiality.

Gah. Then, at the end of the day, I was walking along Mainstreet and found this:

Notice my pouting phantom face lurking behind Cinderella on the left.

There she was, in robot form, dancing with that prissy Prince Charming. I was enraged. Why did all the other princesses show up to greet their fans? Was she too good for us? Too egotistical?

I marched back up to the castle, enraged, and went straight for her lousy fountain.

Me giving Cunterella statue a big, fat finger.

So, disappointly, I did not accomplish goal #1. I apologize. I did my best.

I do feel slightly sorry for Cinderella, though. I know Prince Charming is cheating on her -- all the other princesses have rooms in his castle too. After all, girls, can you imagine some suave guy asking you back to his place, then taking you home to this:

Every girl's dream

.
Seriously. Who wouldn't say yes?