First of all, I'd like to wish for Hewlett-Packard to get a good customer service department. Way back at the start of the school year, my Dell laptop died a sudden, unexpected death. The screen flashed a couple times, the speakers bleeped, and -- as I held it in my arms -- I heard the fan's soft breathing choke, sputter, then stop. Didn't even get a chance to say 'I love you, babe'. After a period of proper mourning, I bought an HP desktop from Futureshop and, within two weeks, it went into epileptic seizures of its own. 'Twas time to make the dreaded phone call to the outsourcing capital of the universe: India (I swear, Mumbai gets calls from the Qanzaar galaxy when aliens need space-parts repaired). And I kid you not, I spent 14 HOURS on the phone with HP service reps. I feel I was pretty patient at the start, but as the clock ticked on and the anger boiled, veins in my head began to pop. Sometime around the tenth hour, I flipped my shit. Apologies to any reps who went home crying that night. I wasn't myself. Yet still, it took over a month to solve my problem, which is unacceptable. I understand that most customer service departments are like warts -- crusty white warts that no amount of liquid nitrogen or cauterization can scorch off -- but HP's is like a hideous hunk of malignant face melanoma.
Second on my Christmas list is a job. With graduation just around the corner, a career would be a good thing to find in my stocking Xmas morning.
Third on my list is another pop hit from Lady Gaga and Beyonce. "Telephone" was ok, but I have a strong feeling they could do better. And then to battle Gaga and Beyonce on the charts, Ke$ha and Pink could team up too. And then all four of them should star in a pornographic feature film titled "Three Stinks, One Pink".
Fourthly, I wish that the reboot of the Spiderman movie series would be cancelled. Sam Raimi et al. did a perfectly fine version the first time around, and I do NOT feel like watching an uninspired train wreck starring the Lizard and some other obscure villain (Van Adder... wtf?).
Fifth on my list, I'd like a football with the face of Shia LaBeouf stitched on the side. Honestly, I would punt that pigskin every day.
Sixthly, I'm craving a scary book. Like a really scary book -- one that I wouldn't be able to read before bed because it would give me night terrors. Currently, I'm a fifth done "Pet Semetary" by Stephen King. If you know something scarier, please, leave a comment.
Speaking of pets, next I would like a maine coon cat. I was recently at someone's house who had one, and they are the BIGGEST, most kick ass cats ever. Don't believe me? Take a look:
So there you have it, my Xmas wishlist. If Christmas miracles exist, hopefully something good will come in my stocking December 25th. I mean, is adequate customer service or a maine coon cat too much to ask? I'm on the "nice" list, right?
Ok, I admit. Maybe I've been a bit naughtier in 2010 than other years. But no one's perfect, right? Actually, let's face it. Who cares if you get a lump of coal on Christmas morning? I say a crummy gift one day out of the year is worth being a bit naughty for the other 364. Modern Santa makes a list, checks it twice, high fives who's naughty, and rolls his eyes at who's nice. So tip back the eggnog, hang up your mistletoe, and slap some tannenbums. Happy holidays, everyone.
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